Rebuilding

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Today was therapy Tuesday & I got some helpful affirmation & insight in our session. Afterward, I made it a point to practice on my mat this evening and flowed on the porch while the sky was painted in bright, vivid colors, the most beautiful pink and gold. I usually just practice for a little bit and very rarely get a savasana in, and I made a point of it considering our material this week was forward folds and relaxation poses. (Savasana included). I didn’t have a lot on my mind as I was practicing and focused on thinking about the muscles and alignment and breathing and counting. (A Sesame Street counting song was in my head, let’s be honest.)

After I finished my practice I realized that I felt so much more open and receptive.  I was astonished because I didn’t realize just how closed I’ve been. It’s one thing to have smart, healthy boundaries and privacy, it’s another thing to be / feel closed. Wow, I knew there was a lot going on headed into therapy today, but this was a new reveal that came after therapy.

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I’m not sure where this is going but..it’s going. Most people don’t know that I’m rebuilding my life and that has meant ending a lot of things. After crashing and burning and escaping a very bad situation, and spending the past year practicing spiritual sobriety, and giving myself permission to put a stop to the people and things that were wounding my soul, insulting my soul, and who I was; who I am.

My body & mental health took a huge toll and sent some major warning signals to my brain. It took months to uncover and awaken to the issues that were causing my meltdown, like crashing down from space, meteor status. And just like that, the scales came out of my eyes.

The damage is slow to undo. But my determination to live with hope and get to be myself and pursue the things that light me up, rather than those that for so long weighed me down, suffocating me.

This difficult journey has found me to be a bit spiritually homeless, an outsider, and going through faith shifts and deconstructing and rebuilding and identifying what I believe and what’s truly important to me. Spiritual addiction paired with spiritual and emotional trauma is no joke. I can no longer walk into just any old church and feel safe or at ease. I’m constantly on high alert, & always skeptical. But here I am, rebuilding.

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There are aspects that I still love and connect with, but feel a great amount of tension regarding what the hell to do with it. Music is important and essential part of my life and I’m at a loss for what it could look like to sing again. I think I need to write, but I get so stuck with my less than stellar instrument skills that I feel like there is a missing piece, a collaborator or partner or fellow musician. I don’t know where to sing. I would love to branch out and sing jazz or blues or show tunes, or rock a Sara Bareilles cover band. Being part of the Apollo Choir last year was such an affirmation and reminder that music is such a huge part of what makes me tick.

One thing that I have been able to connect with is theology and studying and pretending I’m in seminary and stuff that I’m reading and beginning to write about on my blog. (So many drafts, you guys.)

Holy Yoga instructor training has been like diving back into church. It’s been challenging material and yet even when I’m kinda iffy about this whole thing I know I’m right where I’m supposed to be and this is my path: Jesus+Yoga.  Tomorrow is my last class before retreat in May and I’m so excited to continue this journey of yoga, and soon teaching yoga, as it’s been such an important part of my own healing journey and getting free. So there ya go, something you didn’t know about me.

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